Don’t Be THAT Friend 


 Oh Haaaayyy,

C’est moi! Today I want to let all of you in on a little secret. Kids at PHS drink, a lot. It’s actually something that one might cateogorize as a “problem.” I’m not saying that everyone does it, because that would be totally untrue, but come on. You know that more than enough of the student population is getting schmacked on the weekends. But that isn’t what I really want to talk about. I’m writing to complain.

To the people who drink and can’t hold their liquor. Stop throwing up at parties. It is so annoying. Probably even worse than the kids who break stuff. Whenever I see someone throwing up, I’m just like, “whhhyyy?!”

It’s so gross and so annoying and not cute at all. First of all, none of us are supposed to be drinking anyway, so for you to go and make a big fiasco out of a whole thing that really needs to be kept on the DL, is kinda besides the point. 

Secondly, who do you think is going to have to clean up your nasty projectile vomit? It sure as hell isn’t going to be you, because if you’re throwing up, you’re probably incapacitated as well. So who’s gonna do it? Usually it’s the host of the party, which is just a slap in the face to them. It’s like, “Oh thanks for letting all these kids get trashed in your house. As payment, I’m going to trash your house. With my vomit.” 

If the host doesn’t get stuck cleaning the responsibility will fall on your friends. Who also don’t deserve to be left mopping up the Qdoba you ate before downing 8 shots of Fireball, even though you know that your limit is 5. Taking care of drunk people is really hard. I know this from experience. They’re floppy and won’t listen and keep talking gibberish then get irritated when you’re unable to understand them.

Sometimes they cry too. That’s the worst. More than once, I’ve been with two girls, both whom were past the point of no return. The instance which stands out to me the most is when Girl #1, who is the most irritating drunk in the entire universe, wouldn’t stop hugging people. And asking us if we were mad at her. As well as a myriad of other things drunk people like to do, such as calling/texting their ex’s and saying things that should really remain unsaid. Long story short, this chick is being type reckless. Girl #2 has no patience and never developed the ability to manage her temper and therefore tends to lash out like a 5 year old, even when sober. Of course, everything is elevated ten fold when someone’s drunk, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when Girl #2 smacked the living daylights out of Girl #1. When I say she hit her, I mean she went Mike Tyson on this poor girl. 

I distinctly remember looking off into the distance and imagining that I was on the Office or one of those shows where they break the fourth wall by staring deeply into the camera. And I thought, “Houston, we have a problem.”

To say the least, I lost control of that situation. But like, drunk people, am I right?

Or another example of kids just not being able to keep it together is when I was at this outdoor slumber party. Almost everyone in attendance died. I’m not kidding. I was stuck in a tent with like 5 boys, each of whom was having their own little crisis. One of them had just finished destroying a nice vintage tent in their attempt to walk like a normal person and then continued to throw up in said tent on someone’s pillow pet and then made another kid cry by stealing his girlfriend, or something along the lines of that. All in two hour’s time. For the love of God, how do you manage to be that destructive so efficiently. When people go in like that, I call it nuking. Because they just explode stomach bile and destroy everything in their path. 

That was just one of the boys. Another two of them had somehow managed to get to Wawa and back, and during that journey, drunkenly got mint chocolate chip Fr’real all over themselves. So the tent smelled awful. On top of that, they didn’t have blankets or sleeping bags, so I had to listen to their teeth chattering all night long

I know you’re probably thinking that I shouldn’t be complaining because I get myself into these situations, which may be true. But even when I’m not  in attendance, I still feel the wrath of the drunken teenager.

The most harrowing example of this was reunion’s weekend. I was trying to get myself an uber home, my phone was at 2% and I had lost my friend Phoebe. No Gucci. Anyway, I was totally buggin out when I got a phone call from the same girl who got smacked in my first story. I was wondering what she could possibly need, knowing that she was at a soccer tournament for the weekend. Being the wonderful person that I am, I answered the phone.

What has this girl called to tell me? I wouldn’t have been able to tell you for the first several minuets of the conversation- she was crying so hard. But here’s the story: she got bitch slapped again. Lil’ Mike Tyson was also at the soccer tournament and she wasn’t holding back. 

I was standing at the gates of Nassau Hall at this point, after wandering around campus, holding the phone to my ear and wondering why the heck I was wasting my battery on this BS. I knew they were just going to be friends again in the morning, so I hung up. 

Seriously, don’t be THAT friend. It isn’t cute and you’re just making a mess for everyone else. If you want to get smashed, that’s your perogative, but you shouldn’t make it everyone else’s problem to deal with. So selfish. Stop throwing up and breaking stuff too. Ugh, just learn to handle yourself, or stay home. Easy as that. 

I’m sure you can place some names to my characters. But I wouldn’t advise it, seeing as they’re all a work of fiction. So before you pick up the phone to complain to the school about me ratting your kids out for being little alcoholics, consider the fact that your children are real and my characters are not. 

Until next time,



2 thoughts on “Don’t Be THAT Friend 

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