I think that it’s been long established that high school sucks. It just does. Even if you’re loving it, it still sucks, because more likely than not, you’re going to get to college and be smacked with the cold, merciless hand of reality. And that’s when you’re going to realize that high school sucked, because you’ll be about as prepared for the “real world” as I was to play dodgeball last night. That being, not at all.
Nonetheless, we all have to go through it. The only thing to do is to try to make the experience suck a little less. Naturally, I’ve been trying to figure out how for the past 2 1/2 years. And now, after all this time, I think that I’ve got it down. It’s all about people. You have to understand how they think, how they act, and how they react to properly deal with the other 1,500 or so kids you’re forced to share a building with 180 days out of the year. And what better way to do it than to categorize them? The answer- there is no better way. Lucky for all of you, I’m legitimately ravenous at the moment, and my mother still has yet to return from the supermarket. How is that relevant, you may be wondering. No worries, you’ll see.
These boys are easily identifiable based off of the size of their legs. This may sound crazy- but it’s not. For some reason, this is the only group of guys who know that “legs day” is a thing. A very real thing. More likely than not these boys can be found in packs no smaller than 3 speaking at a decibel no lower than 8. Harmless really, but terribly intimidating to those who don’t know any better. Usually at the center of one scandal or another, they add to the entertainment factor of high school. Most have the maturity level of a 7 year old, yet the girls who scoff at them secretly love them and *news flash* we can see right through your facade. Nice try though.
No, this is not a category for only white people. People of color can be basic, flavorless pieces of plastic as well- but in this case they are predominantly white. Just like everything else in Princeton. Surprise, surprise. Anyway, these are the girls who all look the same. This is not an exaggeration. Don’t believe me? Look at a few of their group pictures and tell me if you can spot any major differences between them, besides the things out of their control. Things that I can assure you they would change to all have matching versions of, if it were as easy to buy matching noses with you very best friend as it is to buy a matching sweater. Despite their bland exterior, these girls are where the party is at. If your type of party is hanging out with the same 10-15 people every weekend, and drinking cheap beer in some basement. But that’s everyone’s type of party, evidently. That’s why people who the crackers haven’t even heard of can’t stop talking about them. They’re the Kardashians of high school. They’re beautiful, they look alike, and everyone’s obsessed with them. Even if you say that you hate them, as many people claim to, we all know you’re lying. You don’t hate them, you’re envious. There’s a difference. Easily identifiable by the number of likes in their speech and on their Instagram photos.
You know those apples that are shiny on the outside, and look like they’re going to be quite possibly the best apple of your life? The type of apple that will crunch and be juicy and maybe a little bit messy but it’ll all be okay because, damn, that Apple is delicious. You see it and before you even pick it up you decide, subconsciously maybe- but all the same, that it is an amazing, delectable piece of fruit. Yet when you go to bite it, it’s soft and not juicy but rather soggy. And you bite again, hoping that you just got a bad spot, but are once more met with a gross, soft, soggy bit. And maybe, if you’re really hopeful, you take another bite, probably on the other side of the apple. But by the third time you already know what this last bite is going to only reinforce. That it’s a bad apple. And all the hope you put behind it, all the expectations you had, were for naught. Because it’s a shitty apple. And it’s not your fault- but you feel like it is, because you put so much hype behind it just to find out that it sucked. And your mouth still tastes gross even after you’ve thrown the apple away. That’s what these boys are like. Except you can’t throw boys away, not legally at least. He’s going to be in your math or history class the next day. And the day after that. After a while you might forget that you even bought into his shiny exterior and begin to wonder what it’s like. What he’s like. And more likely than not you’ll make the same mistake again. And the only thing you’ll be left with is a bad taste, which will be eerily familiar. Easily identifiable not only by the fact that they’re hot, and they know it- but also by the hoards of girls whining about how these boys won’t text them back. For the sake of the rest of us, text her back.
Jello is only good if it has vodka in it (Not that I would know from personal experience, of course). Otherwise it just tastes like artificial grossness that slimes and jiggles without being prompted to. It still tastes artificial with the vodka (so I hear) but it is partially masked by the alcohol, which (evidently) makes it better. Or tolerable, at least. That’s what these people are like. Easily identifiable by the fact that no one can tolerate them unless everyone involved is heavily inebriated.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gluten free. Actually, some people claim that it’s made them feel better, healthier even. The only bad part is that you can’t eat gluten. Which is yummy, delicious, bad for you- maybe. But so good. There are substitutes that “taste just the same,” sure. But do they really? These people don’t like doing “unhealthy” junk like the rest of us. They don’t gossip, they don’t lie, and they don’t share homework answers. These are the kids with morals. And I beg of them to teach me their ways. And I inquire, does it really taste better? Easily identifiable by their natural, saintly glow.
These kids are just cooler than everyone else. They take it shaken, not stirred. They’re colorful, laid back. Interesting, but not dramatic. Intriguing and hard to pin. They’re always beautiful, even though they do ugly things. They get away with it. They make smoking look cool, even after years of us being told it isn’t. And they make us jealous, not the type that breeds nasty rumors and snide remarks- but the sort of jealousy that produces a single “wow.” No school has enough of these kids, but every school has them. They aren’t always in packs, sometimes they’re scattered throughout groups and cliques that are seemingly below them. Easily identifiable by making one want to be more like them and less like themselves.
I hope my little guide helps out with your navigation of the social scene. And maybe makes high school suck a little less. But it probably won’t. Because I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.
I’m sure many of you can place either your current self or past high school persona in one of the many groups. And I’m sure that you can think of people you’d place in each category. If you have a feeling that you know who fits in where, don’t ask me. I refuse to tell. But as I always say, if the shoe fits…
Until next time,